Three Chic Geeks

For the nerdy and proud. Warning: spontaneous geekgasms may occur.

Fictional Girls We Love (Who Would Make Terrible Girlfriends)

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Terrible Girlfriends

HA! You thought you were safe when we did our lists of fictional boys, didn’t you? But the three of us enjoy crushing everyone’s dreams on an equal opportunity basis. And thus, this list was born. We’ve gotten drunk and picked names out of a hat scientifically analyzed all our favorite girl crushes and then sniffed out all the reasons why they’d be terrible dates. Enjoy. 

1.      River Tam

Firefly marked the birth of the Summer Glau obsession among fanboys and fangirls everywhere. River Tam is wildly intelligent and an amazing dancer. Fully trained in combat, she’s more than capable of taking care of herself (and probably you, too). She’s also exhibited some telepathic abilities… those HAVE to come in handy, right? Wink wink.

So what’s the problem?

Well, just about everything else, really. While away at what seemed to be a prestigious academy, River was experimented on in an effort to create the perfect assassin. She literally lacks the ability to filter her emotions, resulting in frequent outbursts. Also she’s homicidal. And trained in all manner of combat. We don’t care if you’re an Olympic champion in boxing who happens to be trained in mixed martial arts and a champion knife thrower, River can and WILL kick your ass. When you’re not busy trying to keep her from snapping and going on a murderous rampage, she’ll be busy correcting your grammar, logic, and probably responding to things before you actually say them. Good luck – you’ll need it.

2.      Natasha Romanova (Black Widow)

The Black Widow was brainwashed into being the perfect spy and assassin by the covert Red Room program established by the Soviet regime. A biologically and technologically enhanced weapon of destruction, packed into a curvy, sensual redhead most would die for a night with.

So what’s the problem?

Let’s start with the obvious reasons Natasha might not be a good candidate for girlfriendhood. Did you know that a black widow spider will normally eat their mates during sexual intercourse? Yes? Okay then, moving right along. If you consider how many times Black Widow has been canonically brainwashed, what’s one more? The Red Room released each Black Widow operative into the wild with a series of false memories implanted into their heads, to insure loyalty. All of that tinkering has got to lead to some major trust issues down the line somewhere. When tortured extensively, she is likely to regress to any given false persona that had been implanted in her brain in the past. There is no guarantee that persona will be amicable towards you; nor is there any guarantee it won’t happen today, tomorrow, or next week. She is a spy, after all. If that wasn’t enough of a negative, also keep in mind that she’ll be away on secret missions often, and that any number of superheroes (or supervillains) are liable to pay her a visit out of the blue. These visits may or may not involve kidnapping, extortion, violence and suffering – moreso for you, the significant other. FYI – any significant other that isn’t a superpowered bamf with a ridiculous amount of fangirls is also known as “canon fodder”. Is getting with a sexy Russian spy really worth dying in an explosion meant to evoke feels of viewers as Loki demolishes New York yet again? (hint: no.)

3.      Irene Adler*

Elegant, put-together, confident, stylish, and great in bed – what more could you possibly want in a girlfriend? She knows all the people in all the high places – or, well, she knows what they like.

So what’s the problem?

Assuming you don’t mind your girlfriend periodically dressing up in a PVC corset and whipping random well-connected people until they beg for mercy, there are still some negative sides to dating Irene Adler. For one, she’s probably only interested in dating other women – so if you’re a guy, we’re pretty sure you’re not getting lucky. (Is it strange that Freak Geek now wants to ship Irene Adler and the Black Widow? She bets they’d make the best OTP ever.) Irene will be pursued by secret agents from various countries and secret organizations – probably because one too many loose-lipped patron let slip an important state secret or something again. So, there’ll probably be a few break-ins every month; you are yet again “canon fodder”, in case you haven’t guessed. Oh, and she might fake her death once or twice. NBD.

*based off the BBC incarnation

4.      Buffy Summers

Cute spunky blonde with snarky one-liners and serious ’90s style, Buffy Summers is the absolute opposite of Bella Swan. She kicks butt, saves the universe on a regular basis, and have we mentioned how utterly awesome the contents of her closet are?

So what’s the problem?

As foxy as Miss Summers is, she’s nowhere near the perfect superpowered cheerleader we’re all searching for. Buffy was born to be a Slayer – which, in case you didn’t know, means killing vampires and assorted creepy crawlies, and doing it well. At times, one will find her to be cold and detached; she won’t speak out about her feelings either, preferring to bottle everything up. She will expect you to give more to her than what she can give to you – and now, please, don’t dawdle. She might fall for you eventually, but don’t think she’s going down without fighting, because she’ll struggle for her control and independence every millimeter of the way down. And have we mentioned how passive-aggressive this girl can be? Oh, and on top of it all, there’ll be assorted vampires with snarky one-liners and brooding looks (and occasional bloody awful poetry) dropping by for a visit. This may or may not end in you being – yup, you guessed it, “canon fodder”. Best of luck.

5.      Xena

She’s beautiful. She’s tough. She’s dedicated to protecting those whom she cares about. She may even have a few gods who owe her a favor or two. Xena is the warrior princess and has a big heart to go with all that leather. Plus she spends an awful lot of time stripping to go swimming in lakes, and she’ll even shampoo your hair for you in the bath. How considerate!

So what’s the problem?

Xena is a former warlord and was once upon a time known as the “Destroyer of Nations”. She’s gained something of a reputation, meaning threats are made against her life. Often. Then there’s the whole fact that she’s big into the saving people thing, so much so that she’d willingly sacrifice herself to save others. While that’s honorable and all, can you imagine the late nights worrying whether she’s going to come back or not? Have fun going gray early. And while her being a woman of action can come in handy (wink wink), she’s not really good with the words thing or the sharing of feelings thing which are both sort of necessary to have healthy, functioning relationships. In addition, she’s still dealing with that mental battle that comes from converting to good after once having been the baddest of the bad; Xena is sometimes lacking in self-worth. So not attractive.

6.      Six

Intelligent and statuesque, she’ll take your heart with one sashay of her hips in that iconic red dress. She’s a woman dedicated to her morals, and nothing will sway her from her purpose once her mind is made up. Six is also down with polyamory. And did we mention there are multiple of her? Like, hundreds?

So what’s the problem?

… Did we mention there are hundreds of her? Seriously, while that may be fun for a while, how could you even tell if you were with the right Six? Plus, there’s that whole being-a-Cylon-and-not-being-human snag. (Spoiler: Or they’re kinda human. Like, the missing link. Or something. Who knows.) Then there’s Caprica Six, who happens to be the reason why humanity fell. She’s manipulative, a talented liar, and will play you for a fool and to the detriment to your entire race. She also happens to be a religious fanatic who will stop at nothing to convert you to her beliefs. Caprica Six does become remorseful later in life (and there are one or two other reasonable Six copies), but she’s too busy obsessing over Gaius Baltar to be a suitable girlfriend. And we mean seriously obsessing (We don’t care if he’s an angel, being followed by an apparent hallucination of an ex is never a good sign). Best to back away slowly before things get complicated.

7.      Selena Kyle (Catwoman)

First things first: Catwoman is, in fact, amazing in all (oh wait, Halle Berry) most of her incarnations. For purposes of this examination, however, we’ll be focusing on Anne Hathaway’s brilliant portrayal. Right then.

Selena Kyle is beautiful, resourceful, and perfectly capable of taking care of herself. She’s not afraid to get her hands dirty in order to get what she wants, and she’ll do it all while wearing a skin-tight catsuit. The most notorious woman in Gotham City, it’s easy to see why a date with her is something to be coveted.

So what’s the problem?

Did we mention she’s a criminal? A top-notch cat burlar, in fact, so if she’s dating you it’s probably because you have something she wants. Hold on to your wallet, valuables, bank account information, etc. She’s not much of a people person, but that probably comes with the territory of being wanted dead or alive. Don’t hold your breath for a deep emotional connection, she doesn’t keep many friends and will look out for number one first and foremost. Ultimately she wants a new life and a fresh start, so unless you’re Batman or some high-level government official who can give her everything she wants, you really don’t stand a chance.

8.      Rose Tyler

Really, Rose is a typical 19 year old woman who got dragged into the pathway of an oncoming storm of cosmic proportions.  “No job, no A-Levels,” but she certainly managed to hold her own and be sassy as hell while she did so. Just say the word “Rose” and you’re guaranteed to have a pile of shattered feels before you.

So what’s the problem?

Rose Tyler is awesome. Let’s get that straight. However, if you’re planning on dating her and you aren’t the Doctor, good luck. You have to consider that she’s willing to drop everything, her job, her family, her boyfriend, her planet, to go chase monsters across time and space with a man she met a day ago because he’s able to offer her all of time and space also his undying affection and a sexy leather jacket. Good luck competing with a Time Lord, her standards are so impossibly high that she was barely even willing to settle for TenToo because he’s not the doctor himself. Then you also have to consider her emotional infidelity, she fell in love with another man while she kept poor Mickey hanging on back on Earth without so much as a phone call once in a while. For someone so willing to rush into the heat of battle she sure does have some issues confronting Mickey about the nature of her involvement in their relationship, or lack thereof. Essentially, if you’re not The Doctor, Rose is going to friend zone you so fast it’ll make your head spin. At least she’d be a cool friend, when she’s around that is. God, she’s kind of not a good friend either is she?

9.      Hermione Granger

The brightest witch of her age, Hermione Granger captured the eye of superstar seeker Viktor Krum when she was only 15. She’s a war hero, intelligent, brave and smart. She brewed the Polyjuice potion when she was only a second year! Hermione’s the whole package, you know?

So what’s the problem?

Well, let’s start with the part where she will probably put your relationship with her second to whatever research project captures her attention. Or house elf rights. Or writing a twenty-foot long essay about witch burning. Or there’s been an emergency, and Harry Potter needs to save the world… again. Or she’s taking twenty two classes this school year and needs to time-travel to half of them. You know, that type of thing. If she’s willing to ignore her own well-being in order to knit hats for house elves and take Muggle Studies so she can learn about her own background from a wizard’s perspective… she damn well isn’t going to put her relationship with you first either. Also, you’ll have to deal with sulky glares from Ron Weasley approximately every five seconds because you asked Hermione out when he was too chicken to (or he was too busy eating fried chicken).

10.      Katniss Everdeen

A beautiful 16 year old who is completely unaware of her own beauty, who is strong enough to provide for her family and keep it going after her Father died when she was 12, who sings and the Mockingjays stop to listen. Not to mention she’s a badass. Katniss seems like someone you’d be okay with chasing after.

So what’s the problem?

Katniss is kind of emotionally stunted, and not in a normal I’m-an-awkward-16-year-old kind of way. She’s stunted in an I-grew-up-in-extreme-poverty-and-basically-only-had-time-to-worry-about-survival kind of way. That’s one of those things that’s both hard to understand for someone who grew up in a time of relative plenty (the reader) and hard for her to get over without the aid of many years of therapy to overcome her trust issues and her inability to let herself mourn. It makes her blunt, insensitive, and unforgiving, things not generally valued in relationships. Also let’s not forget that she exhibits quite a few symptoms of PTSD and depression, and entering into a new relationship with someone still healing from their past is difficult and can often do irreparable damage to a fledgeling relationship. In short, let Katniss and Peeta heal together and find another dark haired beauty to chase after.

Special Mention:

Bella Swan

We weren’t quite sure where to include Bella on this list (we did title it fictional girls we love, after all), so here she is as a special mention. Evidently there are people out there who want to date Bella Swan. We find this surprising. Nevertheless, here are some pros we had to scrape up  and cons to dating Miss Swan. 

Bella Swan is pretty, smart, and socially awkward in a way that is sort of endearing. She’s also a magnet for the supernatural, and that’s kinda cool.

So what’s the problem?

… She’s a magnet for the supernatural. If you’re not a vampire, werewolf, shapeshifter, centaur, mermaid/merman or something else equally interesting, Bella really won’t give you the time of day. Assuming you can catch her attention, you’ll spend all of your time saving her from said supernatural beings and from herself. The girl redefines the word “clumsy”. She’s also not terribly expressive or interesting; we can only imagine how boring date nights are going to be. But if that floats your boat, go for it. Just beware of the super possessive creepy vampire with serious issues and the volatile werewolf who doesn’t respect boundaries or understand the word ‘no’–they may not like the extra competition. Even if you simply want to be her friend, she’ll ignore you and go into emo land if her favorite vampire ever royally screws up. Have fun!

Today is Unique Geek’s birthday! So, if you enjoyed this post, please like 3 Chic Geeks on Facebook and follow us on Twitter as a birthday present to her!

You May Also Like:

Fictional Boys We Want to Date (Who Would Make Awful Boyfriends)

More Fictional Boys We Want to Date (Who Would Make Even Worse Boyfriends)

Edward and Jacob Are Actually Gay for Each Other

Doctor Who is Real: Reasons why I’m just going to sit here and wait for the TARDIS

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Author: Critique Geek

Writer and dreamer with a BA in Sarcasm. All-around nerd and lover of geeky things.

11 thoughts on “Fictional Girls We Love (Who Would Make Terrible Girlfriends)

  1. You obviously never read harry potter

    • I am afraid you are sadly mistaken; all of us here at 3 Chic Geeks are not only avid Potterheads but actually met in a Facebook group dedicated to Harry Potter. We have read all the books and seen all the movies MANY more times than is reasonably allowed by normal people’s standards. I myself have been a Potterhead for over a decade now.

      • mmhmm and yet you still don’t know who Hermione is. Just curious, how old are you guys?

        “Well, let’s start with the part where she will probably put your relationship with her second to whatever research project captures her attention.”
        Really…? She is studious but she surely managed to go to yule ball with Krum in fourth year and participate in all the adventures with Ron and Harry each year. I am sure she can find her time for relationships if she wanted to. Also she won’t stay at Hogwarts forever to study. From my memory, she also dedicates a whole lot of time for friendship and possibly romance. Hence Ron marries Hermione. I don’t even get where this sort of conclusions come up.

        ” Or house elf rights. Or writing a twenty-foot long essay about witch burning. Or there’s been an emergency, and Harry Potter needs to save the world… again. Or she’s taking twenty two classes this school year and needs to time-travel to half of them. You know, that type of thing. If she’s willing to ignore her own well-being in order to knit hats for house elves and take Muggle Studies so she can learn about her own background from a wizard’s perspective… she damn well isn’t going to put her relationship with you first either.”

        All these list you are giving is what happened before Hermione and Ron started having relationship. Obviously the book doesn’t emphasize on what happens between them as closely as they did with the war between Harry and Voldemort. So your assumptions based on little facts on Hermione’s romantic side is just pure silly.

        • But after the point at which she and Ron begin dating, the whole thing is moot, isn’t it? Let’s not even get started on what a dysfunctional courtship they have throughout their teenage years.

          I don’t see how our ages are relevant.

  2. As a fellow decade long Potterhead, I have no problem with the way you have portrayed Hermione.

    Though I do have a mention for the Rose section. She’s not very much in contact with her estate friends anymore, but I thought it deserved a mention that she loved her friend Jack so much that when he died she brought him back. Forever.
    Even if it did turn out to be very irritating for him in hindsight.

  3. I don’t actually get why people would make such a big deal about certain interpretations (which are totally each person’s prerogative) or what not. This post was obviously created for fun, no sense in taking it TOO seriously. Lighten up, people! :))

    I for one am enjoying this series of posts. Meeting a lot of awesome characters (tho maybe a bit leery of dating them.)! YEY!

  4. Its almost 2 in the morning and i found your article about boys, and wow i didnt realize there were women out there that have seen and felt the same way about these things. That may seem like non- sence ( it is 2 am) but thanks for making my morning when i only thought i would find a way to put off thinking about my problems, sidenote these women ( not bella ) are my inspiration for womenhood

  5. I’m sad, because you omited Morgana ;( (though reasons to not date her are obvious, but I enjoy your funny way of presenting them), she’s like the most beautiful female I’ve ever seen (and seriously I’m a girl, and I’d never date another girl, but for her I’d do an exception. xD). Anyway I like the humor you put in your posts XD. But what is wrong with Halle Berry? (I enjoyed her preformance way more then Anne’s, though they both can’t really rival with Michelle Pfeiffer). Oh, and Gabrielle from Xena is cute too^^. Just saying if you planned the continuation.

  6. Rose is my favorite, she’s would’ve been a pretty good girlfriend if she hadn’t met the doctor. At least she was happy in the end (locked in the parallel world forever with doctor 2) which isn’t so bad, I mean who wouldn’t want to be with David tennant? 😉

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