Are you being hunted by the monster of the week, and think you might not last past the next five minutes?
Is there a sudden spike in mysterious demonic omens? Or perhaps you’re having issues with slow-dancing aliens? And, most importantly, have a couple of freakishly tall denim-wrapped nightmares rolled into your town in a well-kept late sixties Chevy Impala, and are now devouring your fair city’s supplies of pie and salad? Is one of them a moose?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you might be stuck in the Supernatural universe. It’s okay, don’t panic – we here at 3 Chic Geeks have put together a handy guide to surviving whatever threatens the world with annihilation this season. Read on for some helpful survival tips! Cause, you know, nine’s a lucky number… right?
1. Absolutely, do not, we repeat, DO NOT sleep with Sam Winchester.
As we have mentioned in the past, Sam Winchester is probably the deadliest being to walk this earth – or rather, that dubious honor goes to his manly bits. Sleeping with Sam, while probably very fun in the short term, will result in you not living to see the end of the episode. Look, do yourself a favor… of all the mooses in this world, don’t sleep with the one that Lucy was gonna wear to the prom, ohkaaaaaaaaaaay?
2. Try to avoid sleeping with Dean Winchester also.
Just to be on the safe side and all, don’t get with the older Winchester either. Between his self-loathing, the long list of things that want to kill him, the likelihood of even a random one-night-stand of Dean’s dying is pretty high. Really, we should just amend that rule to something much simpler… Don’t have sex. Don’t have sex in the missionary position, don’t have sex standing up, don’t have sex in the Impala. Just… don’t do it, promise?
3. Get the salt.
Right, do we even have to tell you this one? Stock up on your salt. Don’t go anywhere without it. It’s the towel of the Supernatural universe. Almost every problem can be solved with just a little bit of salt. Demons can’t pass over a salt line, so stick yourself inside a circle of salt and you’re golden. Supernatural things in general are purified by salt, so if you think your creepy next-door neighbor might be a reanimated corpse, sprinkle liberally. Slug problem? Not anymore. Iodine deficiency? You’re good. And best of all? You never have to have your fries without salt. It’s a win/win!
4. When in doubt, set on fire.
Even if you’ve yet to warm your hands and roast marshmallows over a fire built from the corpses of your fallen enemies, you certainly MUST be familiar with fire. Fire good. Fire hot. Fire burn things. Fire is especially handy against supernatural creepy-crawlies of many a variety, so if you’re in doubt about something, just set it on fire, and breathe easy! Make sure you’re carrying fire-making implements with you at all times – such as a lighter, matches, and hairspray… what? You never know when you might need to MacGuyver a flamthrower.
5. Arm yourself.
Look, it’s Supernatural. People die, so just by being a character on Supernatural you are 183.5% more likely to die. So, if you know you have a high chance of dying, you should probably arm yourself. Having a gun, a knife, or possibly a miniature plastic Godzilla action figure (they’re not dolls ma!) as something to rely on in case the Winchesters don’t arrive on time or get smacked around by the bogeyman du jour at the entrance might prove beneficial to your survival. We shouldn’t have to tell you this. Really.
6. Bless your water.
Look, splash isn’t just an attack for your Magicarp anymore, okay? Considering it functions like acid when it hits the skin of a demon, it’s a damn useful thing for your arsenal. For mega firepower, we recommend putting all of your holy water in a Super Soaker. Can you say summer fun? We sure can!
7. Don’t mess with the nerd angels.
The nerd angel might look deceptively cute and weak. Dirty trench coat, crestfallen and/or confused expression, and a perpetual five o’clock shadow… don’t be fooled! This being that you address as “precious baby” is actually a powerful, deadly warrior that’s been walking on this planet since long before your great-great-great-great-grandparents were just twinkles in their parents’ eyes. Be nice to the nerd angels. You don’t know when they might snap and declare themselves god
8. Love your wheels.
If there’s anything that can get your perky behind out of trouble quick, that would be a car. Take good care of your wheels, and your baby gonna love you long time, you know what I mean? Just slap a couple protective sigils on the side, and a dream catcher in the trunk, you’re good to go and are protected against the forces of evil. See mysterious shape with hooks for hands? Get in the car and drive in the opposite direction. Suspicious hitchhiker lady? Drive faster, don’t stop. Unusually thick fog rolling in? Time to GTFO. Take care of your baby, and she’ll take care of you.
9. Really. Don’t sleep with Sam Winchester.
Look, it just… bears repeating. Don’t have sex with Sam Winchester. Don’t even kiss him. You will die a gruesome and painful death and nothing will be able to save you. You don’t even get to go to heaven. You get to go to hell, because the Devil has a special place for people who sleep with Sam Winchester. Course, the devil has a special place for everyone – he sure is well-organized.
Do you have helpful SPN-verse survival tips? Share them in the comments below!