It’s getting to be warm and sunny here in the Northern Hemisphere, which means one thing – summertime is on the way. Soon, graduates will throw their caps, gowns, diplomas and employment opportunities at the nearest Starbucks in the air and seek out a life filled with adventure, questing and mayhem. Or, perhaps some old wizard will show up at your door one day saying he needs one more person for his heist inside the Bellagio? Whatever. Either way, here’s a handy dandy guide for you on how to quickly and efficiently pack every single thing you might need for an adventure. Don’t leave home without it!
Well, really, it depends on where you’re going, exactly. After all, the prerequisite attire of demon hunters – the ubiquitous beat up leather jacket, plaid flannel shirt, jeans and boots – won’t roll in pre-Revolutionary France (even if it’s on a spaceship). With that said, as long as you acquire a jacket that will protect you from the elements, keep you warm, be easy to fix and will protect you from things like mosh pits, branches, knives, holy water and sharp pointy claws, you’re probably all good. Also recommended are sturdy boots to traipse around forests, steppes and Mordor in. Oh, and don’t forget some sunglasses.
First Aid Kit
You should think about bringing a first aid kit, because I’m pretty sure once you’re out in that great big wide world, all you’ve got available to you in terms of medicine is a bottle of Jack Daniels and some damn athelas leaves. Do yourself a favor, and bring some band-aids at least. Some of that fancy sticky surgical tape would be nice – Freak Geek the God of Chaos and Disorder keeps some in her purse at all times. Also, pack some sort of pain killers or something, some Pepto-Bismol (in case of the local food giving you the runs), and some Theraflu. Adventuring when you have a cold is probably no fun at all so you’ll want to be able to recover as quickly as possible.
I’m sorry, are you actually thinking of going on an adventure… unarmed? What is wrong with you? Nope, nope, nope, not okay. It’s too dangerous to go alone, so pack some sort of weapon with you. Preferably several. If you’re adventuring with dwarves and wizards, chances are they will provide you with shiny armor and swords that glow in the dark when orcs are nearby; if you’re not so lucky pack a couple swiss army knives.
There is a variety of things a lighter is good for, and nearly all of them end with someone dying in a fire. Do you need to run a simple salt n burn mission? Don’t leave home without your trusty lighter. Do you need to set a circle of holy oil on fire? Better get that lighter, bro. Going camping in the wilds of Rohan? Hope you brought a lighter cause making a fire is gonna be a little difficult. Trapped in a nineteenth century cellar in Cardiff, surrounded on all sides by evil non-corporeal beings that are trying to take over your planet and conveniently happen to be flammable? Just flick that bic and hope you’re standing far back enough. Need an improvised flamethrower? Just get a can of hairspray and a lighter, you’re good to go. There is nothing a lighter can’t fix – provided your goal is to burn everything down.
Note: Dragons acceptable in lieu of a lighter.
We’re… not even going to bother filling out this section. You know what it’s going to say. Don’t forget your towel, because if you do, your Thursdays are really going to blow.
You do want to have a legacy and an accurate record of your adventures to pass on to those who would come after you, right? If your answer is yes, you should definitely keep track of all the things you encounter on your travels by writing it all down. And, if you want everything to stay together and not just randomly get bunched up in the bottom of your bag, you’ll probably want to invest in a journal. It’s always useful to have this sort of thing – that way, in case of an emergency you can take off on a hunt
and not be home for a few days, and your sons will have a reliable source to fall back on while they search for you across the lower 48 states.
You might not always find a conveniently placed diner or conveniently killable wildlife on your travels. Thus, it’s important to make sure you have foodstuffs available to you. We suggest packing things that aren’t easily perishable and don’t take up too much space (or weigh very much). Think cup noodles, crackers, astronaut food, apples, dried meat and dried fruits or something. Also, bring a thermos or two, to keep your water in. You never know when you’re going to end up in the middle of a bloody desert for no good reason.
A Sturdy Bag
You need a bag that can carry all the essentials, and then some. Chances are, you’re going to pick up a ton of small things on your travels that remind you of the places you visited, and will need to pack them securely along with all this other crap you have to bring to survive. Pick a backpack or something of the sort that you can store your whole life in. Something sturdy, something comfortable to carry around, excellent quality fabric, strong straps. Extension charms to make a whole library fit inside are optional, but would always be appreciated.
Optional but Recommended:
- Stylish hat
- Cloak and/or badass coat
- Jar of dirt
- Elvish rope
- Map (if you know your destination)
- Companions/entourage/loyal followers
- Phoenix tears
- Light of Eärendil
- Frying pan