Are you newly undead and on the prowl? Lonely in the life of eternal night and need somebody to love? Unfortunately, as far as we’ve found, Reddit’s /r/seduction is sadly bereft of dating tips for the bloodsuckers, and Dracula has yet to turn into an agony aunt. Don’t worry, though – we here at 3 Chic Geeks got you covered, no matter the verse you found yourself turned in. We’ve asked a few of our favorite vampires for their tried and true tips on how to get some lovin’ goin on when you’re a tanning salon away from death, and here’s what they told us…
The Vampire Chronicles:
- Don’t turn little girls into your vampire lovers. They will come to resent you for trapping them in that body.
- If you love someone enough to want to spend an eternity with them, do not turn them yourself. You will lose that telepathic bond you had with them when they were mortal. And then where will you be?
- Find creative ways to hunt together. Travel far and frequently. Keep things interesting or you will grow bored of each other and come to resent each other… just like that little girl you turned back when you broke rule 1.
- The whole “sexy vampire rock star” thing only works for Lestat.
- Dating the most ancient mother of vampirekind will probably never end well. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try, though.
The Lost Boys:
- Chinese food is a terrible choice for date night. Why not go for hippie blood and wine instead?
- When your girlfriend asks you how she looks… for the love of all the things, be honest. Keep in mind that she has no reflection and can’t use a mirror.
- Keep in mind you also can’t use a mirror. Good luck.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer / Angel:
- Dating Slayers is probably not a good idea, but do it anyway.
- Vampire chicks are usually crazy. Pick up humans and turn them instead.
- You don’t have a soul so torturing people with railroad spikes while reciting bad poetry is a perfectly acceptable date night.
- Walks in graveyards at midnight are romantic. Everyone says so.
- Beach dates are probably also not a good idea.
- Breakups can be deadly.
- Use birth control.
- Don’t date Angel, that guy’s an eternal pool of melancholy and self-loathing.
- Leather pants with leather trench coat is the height of fashion and no one should tell you otherwise. If they do, kill them.
- Singing together is a bonding experience.
- Gunfights are also perfectly acceptable bonding experiences.
- Late night drives to the beach are romantic. And no, you can’t come back in the day time.
- Ponytails made up of braids and obnoxiously floral shirts are the height of fashion.
- If you like a girl and are not sure what to say, it is perfectly acceptable to stand there and stare at her with a creepy smile until her brothers yell at her to get over there and join them.
The Vampire Diaries
- Compelling the girl into forgetting all about your relationship when you get bored with her is a bad idea. She will probably be turned later, remember everything and proceed to hate you forever. She may even try to sabotage any hope you have of future happiness with another woman.
- Try to avoid falling for the same girl as your brother. It won’t end well for either of you.
- Should this happen, you and your brother should leave town right away because chances are, she doesn’t deserve either of you.
- If you’re dating a werewolf or a hybrid, make sure they aren’t biters… unless you’re okay with not surviving your first make-out session?
- Bloodsharing should only be done with your significant other. It is basically on par with sex. DO NOT SHARE BLOOD WITH RANDOM STRANGERS BECAUSE YOU WILL GET PREGNANT AND DIE.
- Do you have the hots for a cute chick? Send an army of your finest vampire brides to seduce her husband.
- If your crush is not willing to stand still, turn into mist and sneak into her room at night.
- Insane patients of mental asylums make perfectly acceptable wingmen.
- Sparkling is awesome. Chicks dig guys who sparkle.
- Standing over someone’s bed and watching them while they are sleeping is romantic.
- If you have a vampire/human hybrid baby, you’re gonna have a bad time.
- Girls with no facial expressions make absolutely wonderful girlfriends.
- The best way to woo a lady is to stalk her until she’s interested.
- You should always ask your clairvoyant sister for relationship advice.
Best of luck, oh lonely vampire!
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Big thank you to Shadow for her sassy, brilliant and awesome support with writing this article. If you thought it was funny, you probably should give Shadow’s tumblr a follow, because she’s perfect.