It’s Shark Week, everyone! Sharknado, Jaws, /r/fuckyouimashark, shark tanks in Zoo Tycoon… we love sharks. Like, really love sharks. In honor of our favorite sea predator, we’ve sat down and come up with a list of seven things that would be much improved, if only they had more sharks in them.
1. Harry Potter vs Voldemort battle
We have always felt that the battle between Harry and Voldemort in the final book was rather anticlimactic. Had they shot giant sharks at each other, it would have been a lot more fun. Imagine it, though? Voldemort losing the battle because he got slapped in the face by a giant flying shark? It would have been absolutely flawless.
2. The 12th Doctor Announcement
Okay, so Peter Capaldi is the new Doctor. Great. Except, while the BBC were trolling us, they should have shown us some sharks. Maybe Steven Moffat riding a shark into the sunset while Mark Gatiss laughed like a maniac in the background. Or a shark coming out of the TARDIS. Or Peter Capaldi riding into the auditorium on a giant shark. Whatever, our point is, this occasion could have been much improved with the presence of a shark in it.
The Sharknado could always use a little bit more shark in its nado… that sounded wrong. I’m gonna see myself out now.
4. The Oscars
Okay, guys, I know this sounds crazy, but I have a fantastic idea! Hear me out… When someone’s speech runs too long, they should be dropped through a trapdoor in the stage… into a shark pit. Bonus entertainment for everybody! Yes! Yes? No? Okay… 😦
5. Destiel fanfiction
There is a distinct lack of sharks in fanfiction produced by the Supernatural fandom. Most worryingly, Destiel fics with sharks in them are practically nonexistent! What’s up with that? This is a fandom that has nephilim hatching from eggs, nesting, sex pollen,
pon farr mating cycles, coffee shop AUs, porn star AUs, ballerina AUs… practically all of the things you can imagine! But, no sharks. Why are there no sharks? We need more sharks in our OTP. Shark tank in a villain’s lair. Date at the aquarium, with a shark being a prominent plot point. Angelic scuba diving in a search for God, with a bunch of sharks swimming by overhead while Dean and Cas make soulful eyes of epic man-pain at each other on the bottom of a coral reef. Someone, please deliver these things to us… with a shark in them.
6. My tea
I am looking in my mug of tea right now, and it is entirely shark-less. How am I supposed to enjoy my Reichenbach Recovery blend when I lack a miniature shark in my cup that jumps out and tries to bite my nose off every time I take a sip? HOW TELL ME HOW? No, this is not okay. I need sharks. Real, live sharks. In my tea. Make it so.
I’d be unopposed to watching music videos if only they had sharks in it. I mean, everything would be greatly improved if all the people who have put out bad music get eaten by a shark at the end of their music videos. All would be right with the world… I know, it’s a bit of a stretch, but, you know – never say never?