Three Chic Geeks

For the nerdy and proud. Warning: spontaneous geekgasms may occur.

Practical Rules for Practical Adventurers

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practical rules for practical adventurers

(Or, how to survive almost any adventuring mishap, no matter where you may have ended up)

Are you going on an end-of-summer adventure (or winter, if you’re on the drop bear side of the world)? Chances are, if it’s your first adventure, things will be a little overwhelming at first. Have no fear – we here at 3 Chic Geeks are seasoned adventurers. Follow these directions, and you’ll survive no matter where you find yourself – in the deepest vault of the Bellagio, in the cavern of Smaug or somewhere in the London sewers tied to a chair and guarded by the Chinese mafia… well, probably survive. We really can’t guarantee it.

1. The most important thing about getting out of almost any situation unscathed is to play it cool. Whether the residents of the world you are visiting happen to think sacrificing children to their wrathful deities is rather swell, or a small band of trolls are debating what is the best way to cook you and your questing party, if you can keep your cool, you’ll probably survive… perhaps even long enough to write a song about it afterward. Just stay calm, don’t panic, and pretend you totally aren’t out of place on a spaceship at the end of the planet’s lifetime or something. Also, it helps to have a backup plan no matter what… or ten. Ten backup plans is good.

2. Try to pack reasonably. If you haven’t read our guide on how to pack for an adventure and always be prepared, you should probably check it out. You never know when you might need a lighter, a towel and a can of hairspray. And don’t forget the rope… or the towels.

3. No matter how good the mushrooms might be, it’s never a good idea to take shortcuts. Also, don’t talk to wolves, those guys are (mostly) assholes.

4. If you come across a man who has a rat-like (or snake-like) appearance, and bears a name that refers to rats, worms, or things that are “small”, “petite” or “little”, it is safe to assume that this man is a traitor and will sell you out to the highest bidder. It’s like, the laws of adventuring.

5. If you talk to a hooded, mysterious stranger in a tavern, be prepared for them to give you a quest of some sort. Also, keep in mind that you may be level one at that point, so it’s probably a good idea to go kill some rats in the cellar for the barmaid before you start in on the main plot line.

6. Bring lots of extra water. You never know when you’re going to wind up in a barren wasteland without clean water around for days on end. Whiskey also works, but water is better, trust us.

7. Unless you’re a wizard, you will probably need something to use as a light in dark places. Flashlights with tons of extra batteries are highly recommended. Failing that, bring along some rags that you wouldn’t mind using for a DIY torch and a lot of matches.

8. If you’re traveling to foreign lands, make sure you’ve brushed up on local customs. The last thing you want to do is offend your hosts.

9. Walking can be boring. Be prepared with lots of ways to pass the time. We recommend songs, or riddles, or even card games. If one of your travel companions has fighting skills, ask them to give you some self-defense lessons whenever you stop.

10. If you and your party are transporting some kind of inherently evil object, don’t put the responsibility entirely on one person. That never ends well. (We’re looking at you, Fellowship.) Pass it around and make sure to stick to a schedule.

11. Always carry a weapon. Doesn’t matter if it’s a slingshot or a shotgun… or even a really long poking stick of pokingness. You’ll be glad you have one.

12. Make sure someone in your group has some medical training. A first aid kit might not be enough. It helps if there’s an angel, wizard, or some kind of supernatural being with healing abilities in the quest party, but this might not always be the case.

13. If you don’t know how to ride a horse, be prepared to learn quickly. Same goes for brooms, ponies, horses, motorcycles and dragons.

14. Avoid tunnels at all costs. And cave systems. And ancient, foreboding cities that have been deserted of all life for ages on end.

15. Always remember to bring along at least one loyal sidekick. They will end up saving your life multiple times, even though it will take you forever to properly appreciate them and their constant comedic relief.

16. Think creatively when you are in a crisis. Be inventive! You need to be able to get out of any situation, and in a way that your opponents may not expect. Also, learn to pick locks. We’re not kidding, this is a useful life skill.

17. We cannot stress this one enough: WHEN IN DOUBT, SET ON FIRE. This will fix most things you are unsure about that may be unfriendly (exceptions being things that are impervious to fire or are made of fire).

18. Have a carefully constructed fake identity at the ready. You never know when an inquisition will come a-callin, ready to put you into a dungeon for being an Undesirable member of society.

19. If you end up having to shoot the sheriff… make sure you don’t forget to shoot the deputy.

20. When you are about to set forth on an adventure, it is recommended to research any odd things that you may encounter on your journey. Odd things include myths and legends of ancient monsters, haunted places, hallowed grounds, rumored sanctuaries, long-lost treasure, magical powers, the Wooley Swamp and suspicious graveyards, battlefields or temples that may contain sinister things.

21. Bring people you trust with you. That should be a no-brainer but we’re including this on here in case you’re one of those people that likes to form quest parties with their sworn enemies.

22. A trusty steed will aid you for a long time. Take good care of it, and it will take care of you.

23. There’s no crying in baseball. We’re not quite sure what that means, but we thought you ought to know.

Big thanks to our loyal intern-minion Shadow for help with this post! ♥

Got suggestions for other practical rules we may have missed? Leave us a comment below or hit us up on Facebook and Twitter! Also, don’t forget to subscribe to us on YouTube, where we will be having things and stuff.

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Author: Katherine Erlikh

I love candlelight dinners, long walks on the beach and killing demons. Usually you can find me at rock concerts. 90% of redditors believe me to be male. I'm pretty sure I'm Loki.

9 thoughts on “Practical Rules for Practical Adventurers

  1. A single caveat. A being named Mino which resembles a snake is actually a demigod of honesty and justice and can be trusted completely. Just sayin’.

  2. Random thought… Does #4 mean we can’t trust Petite Geek? D:

  3. I love you all, so much. This is perfect and I will be judging adventure stories by it.

  4. Likes to form quest parties with sworn enemies. Hmm, considering the latest The Dark World trailer, are we looking at you, Thor??

  5. Oh my goodness – what a great list! Well done, well done! I think you covered all of the issues I could possibly encounter when on one of my many adventures!

  6. Reblogged this on Nerd Flowering and commented:
    This is an excellent collection of practical rules or suggestions for your next adventure, and then I added a few of my own:

    Don’t fuck with Mr. Zero. – Ever. Trust me on this – some free advice from Aunt Serafina, here.

    If someone offers you something in exchange for a vague future repayment, don’t take it. Spell that shit out.

    It’s a good idea to keep a journal. It helps you keep track of the new people/teams/species you meet and how to befriend/maim/kill them. You can also make notes of the things you can and can’t eat and draw a map to remember where you’ve been and what to avoid.

    If, you come across a dead body, it’s okay to loot it. You might come across some beef jerky or a spare bandage, and that can make a bit difference later on down the road.

    What other kinds of practical rules can you think of?

  7. Hooded, mysterious strangers in taverns also could be giving you gifts that seem harmless, but then turn out to be a Norwegian Ridgeback dragon…so be careful regarding those hooded strangers in general!

  8. Don’t eat the food, you never know what it might do to you. That also goes for touching the alien device/artifact. Oh, wait, those are rules forStargate travel. Well, they could be applied to a quest too.

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