More Fictional Boys We Want to Date (Who Would Make Even Worse Boyfriends)

February 6, 2013 by Critique Geek 71 Comments

Back by popular demand and now featuring even worse potential fictional boyfriends. Many of the men listed were specifically requested by you, the readers. The others are here because we ~~do what we want~~ feel they are definitely worth a mention. Think twice before making one of these fictional hotties your beau this Valentine’s season.

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1. Captain Malcolm Reynolds

He’s ruggedly handsome, adventurous and has that carefree rebel attitude we all know and love. It’s easy to see why Captain Mal has captured the hearts of many a fan. He may be a criminal, but he’s a criminal with a heart of gold who is ready to sweep you away on a galactic journey. Played by the ever-charming Nathan Fillion, Captain Tight-pants is definitely hard to resist.

So what’s the problem?

Let us revisit the fact that he is technically a criminal. Though Mal may have a strong-ish moral code, your entire time dating would be spent fleeing Alliance authority and generally avoiding all the major planets. And even if you’re okay with spending your life hopping from one backwater planet to another, there’s the fact that Mal is a bit… rough around the edges. As in he may insult you until he’s ready to confront his own feelings. Which may be never. You’ll probably have to both be under threat of death first, so if you can swing that on the first date you might be able to pursue a stable relationship with him. Maybe.

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2. Jim Moriarty

He’s successful, he’s dangerous, and he’s one of the few people who can rival the mind of Sherlock Holmes himself. He has fun taste in music and a whole lot of whimsy. From a distance, Jim Moriarty appears to be a charismatic potential date.

So what’s the problem?

Other than the fact that he’s a psychotic criminal obsessed with destroying one man and likely to snap at any given moment? Really, the reasons why Jim would be a horrible boyfriend are a bit obvious. He’d use you for whatever crazy plan he has going on at the time (assuming he pays attention to you at all) and if you ever did anything to displease him you’d probably end up as a pair of shoes. This is all assuming, of course, that Jim Moriarty would take a significant other at all, particularly one who may not have useful information for him. We feel that’s unlikely.

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3. Castiel

Eyes as blue as the unfathomable ocean of longing, the voice of Batman and a film-noir silhouette as he walks away from an urban battlefield, sword in hand… This angel of the Lord is a total babe. His sense of humor is quirky even for a millennia-old celestial being… and have I mentioned he’s an angel of the Lord?

So what’s the problem?

Can we talk about the fact that, canonically, everyone acknowledges that Castiel is in love with Dean Winchester? He is. He totally is. Freak Geek is pretty much convinced that Castiel was brought onto the show as a character in order to diffuse the gay tension between Dean and Sam, and nothing will convince her otherwise. I mean, let’s face it… Castiel is going to be a great boyfriend… if your name is Dean Winchester. Otherwise, good luck trying to bag this bad boy – he’s more likely to tell you not to blame yourself for your dad’s philandering, as your dad was just tired of his job at the post office. Also, if by some miracle you land Castiel as a boyfriend, keep in mind that angels are junkless. Junkless = no sex (unless you’re Dean Winchester).

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You can’t compete with this Destiel love and you know it.

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4. The Master

I mean, sure, he’s… um. Well.

So what’s the problem?

There’s really nothing we can say here. He’s a walking problem. He’s obsessed with destruction, has been driven insane by the time vortex, hears drums pounding in his head 24/7, and considers his companions tools rather than friends. That’s really terrible boyfriend material, and his eHarmony profile would be awfully short and strange.

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5. The Doctor

Aha, just when you thought he was safe! The Doctor, in all forms, is enigmatic, magnetic, exciting, surprisingly sensitive and sad, a little dangerous, and can offer you all of time and space via the TARDIS. He cares deeply for the human race as a whole and spends his life defending the rights of those who call Earth home. He even speaks baby and was a Father himself, basically the best long term boyfriend turned husband material ever, right?

So what’s the problem?

There are many different points to this problem, the first being he’s a Time Lord and we don’t even know if crossbreeding is possible. His anatomy is human enough to pass on the surface as human, but his internal organs are obviously different and we really have no idea about what’s going on down there. In the immortal words of Jackie Tyler, “Two hearts? Is there anything else he has two of?” … Family show, sure.

Then there’s the problem of him not aging like humans: you would shrivel and die and he’d stay exactly as he was when you first met which is compounded by the slightly creepy Twilight-esque issue of a 20-something dating a 900 year old. Of course, there is also the Doctor’s essential nature. He’s spent the majority of his life running from himself and the things he did to his own people, he can be cruel and unforgiving, and he can be completely unaware of how cruel he is. Plus we’ve all seen what happens when you try to stick Eleven in a life of unbridled domesticity for more than a day, he goes crazy and hogs the Wii. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

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6. Spike

Tall and blonde and snarky; a failed poet turned into a passionate and violent vampire. A Victorian gentleman turned dark and dirty, evil and punk and beautiful… I mean, what’s not to love?

So what’s the problem?

Okay, hmm, let’s start with the part where, oh, he got the name Spike by, you know, torturing people to death using railroad spikes? Ugh, so not sexy. He was sired by the batshit-crazy Drusilla – do you REALLY want to deal with that level of crazy ex? Let me tell you, that is a deal-breaker right there. Sure, his coat is pretty badass, but he got it through murder – still think it’s sexy? Oh, and to top it all off, you will be forced to listen to him recite his poetry… which, by the way, is canonically “bloody awful”. No thank you.

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7. Angel

Dark, handsome, and dangerously brooding, Angel has a damn good reason to be emo. He also doesn’t sparkle, which is always a plus. He has a tortured soul, and that’s one hell of an attractive thing in a guy. Also, what is it with these vampires and their nice leather jackets? I cannot.

So what’s the problem?

Let’s start with this excerpt from the Buffy Wikia:

“Angelus and was dubbed The Scourge of Europe, earning notoriety for being one of the most sadistic and brutal demons in history, and the most evil vampire ever recorded. Both The Master and the First Evil recognized how purely evil Angelus was. He was also known as The Demon with the Face of an Angel or The One with the Angelic Face because of his physical beauty” (Angel – Buffy Wikia).

Following Angel’s reign of terror, he was cursed by a clan of gypsies to have his soul returned to him, so he would suffer the guilt of his misdeeds for all eternity. There’s a catch, too – should he ever experience one moment of true joy, he will revert to the killing machine that he had been once upon a time. And, if you’re wondering: yes, “moment of true joy” does refer to orgasms. There’s also a rather memorable episode where Angel gets hopped up on antidepression drugs, which by the way was absolutely hilarious.

However, the message should be clear enough – if you date this guy, you cannot make him happy. If you do, you and everyone you love will DIE because he will turn into a murdering machine and go on a happy joyful primal-evil murder spree. So, the moral of this story is, don’t have sex, because you will make him happy and die.

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8. The Phantom (Erik)

The dark, mysterious man living beneath the opera house. He’s a musical genius who will sing to you until you swoon in his arms. He’ll make grand romantic gestures and will probably write you an opera. Plus the visible side of his face is pretty sexy.

So what’s the problem?

If you desire any amount of freedom whatsoever, The Phantom is not the man for you. He’ll kidnap you on a regular basis, attempt to control you and completely isolate you from everyone you know. Not to mention he’s way older than you and has killed a few people just because they accidentally got in his way. Like, seriously, even if you feel pity towards him for the horrible way he has been treated his entire life, there’s still the fact that he’s a psychopathic killer. Please don’t date a psychopathic killer.

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9. Fitzwilliam Darcy

Darcy is charming, wealthy, and intelligent. He has good intentions and somewhere beneath that cool, collected exterior is a honorable man. Plus, if he existed in 2013 he’d probably be an intellectual hipster.

So what’s the problem?

Fitzwilliam Darcy is a prick. There’s really no two ways about it. He’s haughty and stuck up and will judge you before ever getting to know you. When he does get to know you, he’ll judge you some more, especially if you aren’t half as stinking rich as him. If you ever want to get to actually dating him, you’ll have to suffer through months of rude comments and generally being ignored. Oh, and the first time he admits to having feelings for you he’ll probably proceed to insult you and your entire family. Really, no one but Lizzie Bennet could put up with all of this and we’re not even sure how she did it.

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10. Any Guy from Game of Thrones

This is, perhaps, a controversial one. How can we possibly deem every single man in an entire television series (and book series, for that matter) to be completely undateable? Let us take the Stark men, for example. They’re noble men with a rugged air about them. They’re strong, will protect you, and are true to their word… most of the time. They have the best of intentions and will try to bring you happiness.

So what’s the problem?

Good luck keeping your Westeros man alive. Stark, Lannister, Tully, Snow… it doesn’t matter. Good luck keeping him alive. And yourself, for that matter.

Agree with us? Disagree? Sound off in the comments!